Seriously?

no.
No.
NO.
I can't be hungry.  I CAN'T be!  Not after the week I've had.  Not after the DAY I've had!!  Seriously, what is wrong with you?!

It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.

It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.

It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.It'sAllInYourHead.

I think my scales are faulty

I have a tendency to do multiple weighings in one go and I think I've fucked up the scales.  They're digital, so pretty accurate - at least they used to be.  I don't know.  They're not really mine, they're my parents and they're in their room so I can't usually weigh myself whenever I want.  I'd get some of my own but where would I hide them?  I wouldn't want to have to explain why I wanted my own scales.

Well, wasn't that FUN?

Yes, it was actually.  I saw it coming, it's past, I can move on with my life.

Went to see Warm Bodies.  Read the book a few months back.  The book was better.  I know that statement has been worn down to the skeleton from overuse, but it's true.  But it was a fun film.  It had zombies, romance, comedy.  A ridiculously hot zombie.  Just a little light corpse watching to tide me over before the next real zombie horror is released...whenever that will be.  My only criticism is that the 'bonies' looked too much like the aliens from Signs.  Anyone else notice that?

Love, etc x

Stop kidding yourself

I don't care if you're bored.

I don't care if you're studying.

Stop making excuses.

You're annoying. 

You're weak.

PATHETIC

Stop kidding yourself.

Sometimes the best motivation is your own disgusting weight.

I don't know what possessed me to get on the scales just then.  I suppose when you know you're avoiding them, that's the time to get on them.  Because you know you're going to really hate what you see.  Because you know you slipped up badly and you're dragging around the consequences for everyone to see.

Extra dancing this week though!

Love, etc x

Horrible, horrible binges and Asking Alexandria

First off, Monday was AMAZING.  LOVE LOVE LOVE gigs.  Saw a few friends who went to different colleges which was so lovely.  Had an anxiety attack (starting to get far too frequent again for my liking) and fainted.  Which wasn't so lovely, but it's normal.  Also got stranded when a friend buggered off home with my phone (and my jacket actually) but yeah.  Apart from those two, it was a pretty brilliant night.

And the rest of the week has been one, enormous pile of shite.

Horrible, horrible binges, too ashamed to go into detail but there's just SO.  MUCH.  WORK.  Managed to drag my sorry ass from a fail in both Physics and Maths to about an A/B but, my God, it's been one hell of a climb and I caved.  It's all my fault, I know but still.  Fucking hell.

Oh, and happy Valentine's Day.  Also, Ferris Wheel Day :)

Love, etc x

My Mad Fat Diary and All Time Low

Addicted to both at the moment.

Went to see All Time Low for the first time last Thursday.  Not an ideal day to go (SO much college work) but I haven't gone to a concert in absolutely ages and I missed them.  So had a pretty good night, walked all over Manchester then spent four hours jumping up and down and being knocked to the floor.  Lost my voice.  Bruised all over.  I miss concerts.  Asking Alexandria on Monday so I get to do it all over again!  Although it seems that everyone I'm going with are all going as couples.  And then there's me, single, like always.  I don't care.  Too much work to do.  But it's slightly awkward on a night out.  Or your birthday.  When everyone turns up with someone else.  But honestly, I don't care.  Too much work.

Love, etc x

It's scarier when you can see it coming.

It's happening again and I've no idea why and I can feel it coming this time.  Think my mind has just got used to it.  It's actually looking forward to it in some sort of sick way.  Sick person.  STUPID girl.  Part of me is laughing at myself for typing this, like "you're so going to regret this, idiot girl" and I probably will but I want to write this so I will.

Looking over my food journal for the past month.  I want to get to where I was a couple of weeks ago.  That was a good place to be.  Kept my mind focused off other things.  And then school was like NOPE you have other things to think about and BOOM it's February.

So, yeah, it is scarier but it's been so long that there is also this sense of apathy attached to it.  Which is scary in itself.  Because I genuinely don't care, I just sort of want to get it over with.

Out of all the rubbish things I've written this must be the most nonsensical.

 

Love, etc x

STOP with the Diet Coke!!

Everyday I wake up saying "I WILL not drink Diet Coke today" and then it gets to about 7:00pm and I just think fuck it, I'm tired, I've been studying all day, I've got however many hours left to hit the books, I need caffiene!!!  I'm weak willed to the point of silly. 

I've managed to cut down to one can a day (this is good for me!) but still, I'd rather cut it out completely.  It makes me feel bloated, it's not great for your teeth, etc.  I managed to cut out all fruit drinks so why isn't it working with the coke??

I love tea to death but sometimes you just want a cold drink, right?  And after chugging water all day...just no.  Stupid excuses.  Try harder Datura.

Two relapses

Yeah, so, two relapses.  One good, one bad.  I'm so fucking fat.  I'm disgusting.  Stupid exams.  So much stress, too many people whose words are a pure shot of frustration.  My dad made my breakfast before I was up so I came down and it was there.  Mum did the same with my tea.  Come down from studying and it's there.  I was torn between throwing up and crying at the sight of the food.  I hate not having control over what I'm eating.  Picked at it and dumped it as soon as she left the room.  But I'm still so fat.  Dancing on Friday, I'm so huge compared to all the others.  But I'm back on track again and so excited to be back.  Time to stop the madness.  I don't care how good I was feeling about myself, I was in denial and I can't ignore the truth forever.

Second relapse was bad, cut again.  When was the last time?  Couple of weeks?  Think that's one of the longest times I've ever gone but I SWORE last time was definitely the last, forever.  I swear that almost every time but I meant it last time, I really did.  But it's comforting when I feel crap.  Anyway.  I'm not going to make excuses about it.

Love, etc x

Feeling better

It's been a while.  I felt better today, not thin but slimmer, even though I know I'm really not.  I just didn't feel as fat and horrible as usual.  I tried on a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear for ages and they actually fit, I was able to walk around and sit down without them being too tight and I can still wear my old coat I love.  So I'm feeling a little better.

ABC diet didn't last.  Disappointed in myself but sixth form has been keeping me crazy busy, even more so since I went back in January.  Probably better to try something like that when I can concentrate on it fully and when it doesn't matter if I'm tired.  Exams soon.  All I do is sleep, eat and study, study, study, constantly.  I need the grades though, and it will all be so worth it in the end.  I don't mind working hard but long hours staring at books just makes me want to EAT.  I'm trying to make a more conscious effort to eat well and not just put any crap in my body, to not keep slipping into bad habits as soon as exams start.

Love, etc x

Peanut Butter

So, it's day 4 of the ABC diet.  I stuck to my 300 yesterday with salad and veggies and a lemon sorbet at the meal, which means it's 400 today.  I'm breaking already though, feel way too tired and distracted.  Read about the Skinny Girl and the Healthy Skinny girl diets.  Don't want to do the Healthy Skinny Girl diet - calories are way too high - but I like that fruit/veg doesn't count in daily calorie amount.  Means when I'm tempted to eat I'll be even more likely to pick a healthier option.  I'm going to try and persevere with ABC though.

Anyway, peanut butter.  I LOVE peanut butter!!  With veggies, on a sandwich, in a meal (mmm, peanut satay) but I hardly eat it now, since it's so high in fat and calories.  BUT it does have health benefits!  1tsp is 32 calories, is cholesterol free and provides 1.33g of protein.  Your body still needs fat and protein, even if you're not eating much, and a teaspoon a couple of times a week is a good way of satisfying my cravings.



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Yay for dentists!

Day 3 of the ABC diet!  300 calories.  Haven't eaten yet as I had to go to the dentist and he gave me an injection which means I can't eat for another three hours!  So my parents can't tell me to eat :) we're going out later which is why I didn't want to eat yet...wanted to save my 300 for the meal.

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ABC Diet - the first two days

Started the ABC Diet and done the first two days.  Going ok so far, but it has been only two days and they were both 500 calories.  Not so bad.  Today's 300 and I'm at the movies with mum so lots of tempting food...but I WILL resist.  I've read you can switch up days, meaning I could switch it with Thursday and have my 400 today instead but..I don't know.  Can you do that?  I'd rather stick to it as it is. 

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Read a lot of mixed review on this.  It's not much different to how I usually eat, I try and keep it healthy, low calorie but I wanted to fluctuate my calories because I've read it's better for weight loss - your body is tricked into not going into starvation mode.  So I thought I'd follow this.  Some people swear by this, some people say you gain it all back with extra.  I'll keep you updated.

 

 

Love, etc x

2013 - new year, renewed determination

Happy new year and welcome to my blog!

I'm 17, living somewhere in the U.K. and decided to start this blog so I'd have somewhere to talk about my attempt to lose weight and other battles in my life.  You could say I'm pro ana, although I don't have an E.D. 

I want this to be a place of thinspiration and support.  Questions welcome, no hate! :)

Love, etc x