Two relapses

Yeah, so, two relapses.  One good, one bad.  I'm so fucking fat.  I'm disgusting.  Stupid exams.  So much stress, too many people whose words are a pure shot of frustration.  My dad made my breakfast before I was up so I came down and it was there.  Mum did the same with my tea.  Come down from studying and it's there.  I was torn between throwing up and crying at the sight of the food.  I hate not having control over what I'm eating.  Picked at it and dumped it as soon as she left the room.  But I'm still so fat.  Dancing on Friday, I'm so huge compared to all the others.  But I'm back on track again and so excited to be back.  Time to stop the madness.  I don't care how good I was feeling about myself, I was in denial and I can't ignore the truth forever.

Second relapse was bad, cut again.  When was the last time?  Couple of weeks?  Think that's one of the longest times I've ever gone but I SWORE last time was definitely the last, forever.  I swear that almost every time but I meant it last time, I really did.  But it's comforting when I feel crap.  Anyway.  I'm not going to make excuses about it.

Love, etc x

Feeling better

It's been a while.  I felt better today, not thin but slimmer, even though I know I'm really not.  I just didn't feel as fat and horrible as usual.  I tried on a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear for ages and they actually fit, I was able to walk around and sit down without them being too tight and I can still wear my old coat I love.  So I'm feeling a little better.

ABC diet didn't last.  Disappointed in myself but sixth form has been keeping me crazy busy, even more so since I went back in January.  Probably better to try something like that when I can concentrate on it fully and when it doesn't matter if I'm tired.  Exams soon.  All I do is sleep, eat and study, study, study, constantly.  I need the grades though, and it will all be so worth it in the end.  I don't mind working hard but long hours staring at books just makes me want to EAT.  I'm trying to make a more conscious effort to eat well and not just put any crap in my body, to not keep slipping into bad habits as soon as exams start.

Love, etc x

Peanut Butter

So, it's day 4 of the ABC diet.  I stuck to my 300 yesterday with salad and veggies and a lemon sorbet at the meal, which means it's 400 today.  I'm breaking already though, feel way too tired and distracted.  Read about the Skinny Girl and the Healthy Skinny girl diets.  Don't want to do the Healthy Skinny Girl diet - calories are way too high - but I like that fruit/veg doesn't count in daily calorie amount.  Means when I'm tempted to eat I'll be even more likely to pick a healthier option.  I'm going to try and persevere with ABC though.

Anyway, peanut butter.  I LOVE peanut butter!!  With veggies, on a sandwich, in a meal (mmm, peanut satay) but I hardly eat it now, since it's so high in fat and calories.  BUT it does have health benefits!  1tsp is 32 calories, is cholesterol free and provides 1.33g of protein.  Your body still needs fat and protein, even if you're not eating much, and a teaspoon a couple of times a week is a good way of satisfying my cravings.



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Yay for dentists!

Day 3 of the ABC diet!  300 calories.  Haven't eaten yet as I had to go to the dentist and he gave me an injection which means I can't eat for another three hours!  So my parents can't tell me to eat :) we're going out later which is why I didn't want to eat yet...wanted to save my 300 for the meal.

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ABC Diet - the first two days

Started the ABC Diet and done the first two days.  Going ok so far, but it has been only two days and they were both 500 calories.  Not so bad.  Today's 300 and I'm at the movies with mum so lots of tempting food...but I WILL resist.  I've read you can switch up days, meaning I could switch it with Thursday and have my 400 today instead but..I don't know.  Can you do that?  I'd rather stick to it as it is. 

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Read a lot of mixed review on this.  It's not much different to how I usually eat, I try and keep it healthy, low calorie but I wanted to fluctuate my calories because I've read it's better for weight loss - your body is tricked into not going into starvation mode.  So I thought I'd follow this.  Some people swear by this, some people say you gain it all back with extra.  I'll keep you updated.

 

 

Love, etc x

2013 - new year, renewed determination

Happy new year and welcome to my blog!

I'm 17, living somewhere in the U.K. and decided to start this blog so I'd have somewhere to talk about my attempt to lose weight and other battles in my life.  You could say I'm pro ana, although I don't have an E.D. 

I want this to be a place of thinspiration and support.  Questions welcome, no hate! :)

Love, etc x